


Harold & Kumar Go To Agrestic

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Harold and Kumar Movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-20
Updated: 2006-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:52:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1637525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harold and Kumar end up in the Weeds universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harold & Kumar Go To Agrestic

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Aral for beta duty above and beyond.
> 
> Written for Mosca

 

 

 

 

It starts, much like it always does:

"C'mon, Roldie. Do not make me go to this thing by myself. I'm telling you, my mom gets around my aunts and evil happens. If I don't have someone to run interference, they'll have me married off by the end of the weekend. What else could possibly be more important?"

"The wedding invitation is for you and a date, Kumar. Date."

"So? It's California, they're forward thinking and all that shit. Who's going to care?"

"No."

"It's our last hurrah before I start med school. Come on."

"No way."

*

Two weeks later, Harold is trapped at the Patel-Greenberg wedding reception at the Agrestic Holiday Inn & Suites. He's sitting between a distant cousin of Kumar's named Amisha, who weighs approximately 300 pounds and Rebecca, a thirteen year old sister of the groom, and he's pretty sure they're both hitting on him. Kumar has disappeared.

On the bright side, there is an open bar with decent beer and he's working on his fourth.

"There you are!" Kumar appears across the table, looking impatient. "Get you ass out of there, I have a surprise."

It turns out Kumar's surprise is his cousin, Sanjay, who says he can get them some Milfweed. Kumar's eyes are wide and excited, and Harold is skeptical of the claim, but can't pretend not to be interested. Milfweed had developed something of a legendary status among stoners. Snoop Dogg made it famous and then it had disappeared almost as soon as it appeared on the market in California. Most people on the east coast believe it's nothing but an urban legend.

"Dude, c'mon. It doesn't exist."

"Sure it does," Sanjay says. "I helped make it. Sort of."

They ditch the reception, and a short drive later they're in a suburban neighborhood, waiting while Sanjay runs into the house and comes out with a guy named Andy and a small bag of weed.

*

By the time they leave Sanjay and Andy, Kumar is too excited to wait till they get back to the hotel.

"Look, there's a golf course."

"No way, Kumar."

"It's late, Roldie. There's no one around here." Kumar waves the already-rolled joint under Harold's nose and it does smell good. It smells really good, and it's been a while since he smoked up, and hell, he's never been able to resist Kumar when he's like this, so he pulls over.

Milfweed lives up to its reputation. It's smooth and strong and gets them high almost immediately.

"This is good." Kumar is laying back in the grass, staring up at the stars, and Harold lays back next to him.

"It's not schwag."

"No, no, Roldie. I mean, the weed is fucking fantastic, but I mean this." He waves his arms above and around them. "Hanging out with my best bud, smoking good weed, laying in the grass. It's a good life."

"Sure." Kumar gets like this sometimes when he's really baked, happy and in love with everyone.

"Seriously, man." Kumar turns over and leans on his arm. "Who knew the geeky Asian kid across the hall freshmen year would turn out to not only be cooler than he seemed, but the best friend a guy could ever have."

"You're baked, dude."

"Duh. But that makes it no less true." Kumar falls back again and laughs at nothing.

Harold smiles and follows airplane lights across the sky. "The universe tends to unfold as it should."

"Exactly! Wild and mysterious ways, Roldie."

*

The combination of Milfweed and Kumar have Harold in a happy, mellow mood until they walk back to find the car gone.

"God dammit, Kumar. I knew it! I knew this was a bad idea."

"Dude, you thought we'd get caught. Not that someone would steal the car. Did you leave the keys in the car?"

"No!" Harold checks his pocket, then his other pocket, then his shirt pocket. Then he remembers throwing his jacket back in the car after he'd put the key in that pocket. "Shit. Shit shit shit."

By the time Harold is done cussing himself and Kumar out, Kumar is sitting on the curb laughing hysterically.

"This is totally not my fault!"

"Shut up, Kumar."

They don't really know where they are and their phones and money are in the missing car so they decide to head back towards the house where they'd left Sanjay.

"Dude. Am I that wasted or am I actually seeing that?"

Harold looks over where Kumar is pointing and stops in his tracks. There's a naked middle-aged guy on a Segway racing down the sidewalk opposite them.

"The naked guy?"

"Yes."

"You are that wasted, but I'm seeing it too."

Kumar snorts and starts walking again. "Crazy fucking California."

About the time that Harold is convinced they're lost, a van pulls up next to them.

"Boys." Andy pokes his head out and grins at them. "Weren't you in a car last time I saw you?"

After laughing at Harold and Kumar, Andy is nice enough to take them home with him and share a bong before letting them crash in the living room.

*

Harold wakes up to weak light coming in through the windows. He's stretched out on top of Kumar, an arm and leg trapped against the back of the couch, and Kumar is snoring softly. Harold wants to get up but he realizes that in order to move he's going to have to rub his morning wood against Kumar's leg and no. That's just the kind of thing that Kumar will never let him forget. Instead, he pulls his body away as much as he can and waits.

Harold is sweaty and uncomfortable, but Kumar is warm and smells good. Familiar. He smells like sweat and pot-smoke and that stupid unisex soap he insists on using and Harold finds himself relaxing and burying his nose in Kumar's neck. Maria had smelled like perfume and fruity soap and that faint chemical scent of make-up and Harold had never really liked it. Not in the way he likes the smell of Kumar. He knows that this is a thought one male friend should not be having about another. It's strictly forbidden heterosexual territory but fuck, he's still kind of buzzed and it's been a while since Harold could really consider himself strictly heterosexual when he's being honest with himself. Luckily he's rarely honest with himself.

Kumar shifts slightly, leaning into Harold and snuffling against his hair. Harold freezes and waits, his nose and lips pressed against Kumar's neck.

"Dude," Kumar whispers.

Harold thinks seriously about pretending he's asleep, but there's something about the morning light and the feel of Kumar under him that makes him want to be honest. "Yeah?" he whispers back, without pulling his lips away.

Kumar's silent and Harold can practically hear the thoughts flying lightning fast and making crazy leaps of logic and coming to outrageous conclusions. After a minute, during which Harold is holding his breath, Kumar moves his leg slowly, pressing it up against Harold's dick, which has surpassed morning wood and moved into inappropriate territory.

"Dude." This time when Kumar says it he sounds breathy and surprised, and Harold can't help releasing his breath and grinning against Kumar's neck. Kumar laughs and pushes Harold away briefly, enough to turn and face Harold and press his own hard dick against the space between Harold's hip and belly.

Harold opens his mouth to say something- he has no idea what, but he thinks maybe that would be the proper etiquette in this situation. But Kumar stops him with his mouth, pressing his lips against Harold's awkwardly and then licking Harold's upper lip. Harold decides talking is clearly not the answer here, and possibly neither is thinking, so he stops worrying and kisses Kumar back.

Kumar doesn't taste quite as good as he smells, but Harold can't really expect Kumar's breath to be any better than his own after a night of alcohol and pot. Besides, Kumar's lips are soft and fleshy, and one of his hands is gripping Harold's bicep tightly, and that reminds Harold that he has hands too so he slides one up inside Kumar's shirt. Kumar's skin is hot and damp but goose pimples form under Harold's hand as he explores every one of Kumar's ribs and slides a finger over a nipple.

"Fuck." Kumar shudders and lets go of Harold's arm, reaching down to unhook his pants and then Harold's. "Fuck, Harold."

Harold just wants to keep kissing, but he lets Kumar push him away enough to shove their pants and underwear down. Harold reaches down to help and pushes Kumar's pants down far enough for Kumar to kick them off. Before Harold can push his own pants all the way off, Kumar touches Harold's dick tentatively, awkwardly, but it makes Harold surge forward into his hand. Kumar wraps his other arm around Harold and pulls him up on top, spreading his legs to let Harold rest between them, and fuck, it feels good.

Harold works his own hand down to wrap it around Kumar's dick. It's hot and leaking and Harold jacks it once, twice, and Kumar bucks up against him and groans. Kumar grabs Harold's ass with both hands and wraps a leg around Harold's hip, pulling him closer and rubbing up against him, dick sliding through Harold's hand.

Kumar has his eyes closed and he's panting. Harold watches him shamelessly rub up against Harold with his whole body in time with Harold's hand. When his eyes open and his breath hitches in little sobs, Harold pumps his hand faster because he knows this sound, the sound of Kumar coming. He's never seen it and he's definitely never made it happen, but he knows the way Kumar sounds having sex. He swallows Kumar's final groan in his own mouth and slows his hand down until Kumar is boneless beneath him.

Harold is still hard, but he slides over, off of Kumar, and waits to see what happens.

"Jesus, Harold. I think maybe we're gay."

"We're not straight."

"Dude. Milfweed turned us queer!" Kumar turns to look over at Harold and grins.

"Whatever," he says and grabs Kumar by the neck, pulling him back into a kiss. Kumar reaches down and there's nothing tentative about his hand this time. He grasps Harold's dick tight and fuck, fuck it feels good, and Harold comes, panting into Kumar's neck.

They lie quietly together for a few minutes. The tv is on but everything else is still and Harold can't even get wound up about the fact that they're lying mostly naked on some stranger's couch. He does move enough to pull his pants back up over his hips, and he laughs when Kumar says, "I've got fucking spooge all over me! Asshole."

Kumar reaches over and grabs his briefs, wiping off his belly and then snuggling up again, tangling them together from head to toe. Harold has always suspected Kumar is a snuggler. It amuses him to know he was right.

*

It ends like this:

Harold's not sure when they dozed off again, but he wakes up when someone screams. He sits up quickly and Kumar falls off the couch with an indignant, "Hey!"

"Who the fuck are you?"

There's a kinda scary looking black man and an attractive white woman standing at the end of the couch looking at them. Kumar starts scrambling for his pants, and Harold immediately starts trying to explain.

"The rental was stolen and we got lost and..." He stops when Andy walks in behind the two newcomers.

"Oh, hey," Andy says and waves in their direction, "that's Sanjay's cousin and his boyfriend."

"I'm not his..." Kumar snaps his mouth shut and finishes zipping his pants. Harold tries really hard not to laugh.

Eventually, everyone is introduced, and Andy and his sister-in-law offer them some muffins and coffee and call them a cab. Everyone pretends Kumar didn't fall off the couch naked, and neither Harold nor Kumar say anything to each other about it. A call to the rental company reveals that the car has already been found, ditched by joy riders.

When the cab shows up and Harold and Kumar are on their way out, a blond woman breezes up the sidewalk and looks around at the group standing in the drive-way and says, "Geez, Nancy, your house is turning into the freaking UN these days."

Harold figures that's their cue to leave and climbs into the cab, Kumar right behind him. Kumar sits silently next to Harold for a few miles, until Harold can't take Kumar not talking and says, "So, California's a crazy place."

"Yeah." Kumar looks over at Harold and stares at him for a few seconds. Harold waits and eventually Kumar grins. "Andy slipped me a little present. Wanna go back to the hotel and smoke it?"

Harold laughs and thinks about the universe unfolding in wild and mysterious ways. "Excellent plan."

 

 

 


End file.
